Miten selittää 2- ja 4-vuotiaille lapsille vanhempien ero

ei sitä kertomista kannata viivyttää jos päätös on varma.

Kerro pojile että äiti ja isi rakastaa heitä oikein kovasti, mutta ei enää kohta asu yhdessä.

Pojilla on siltin äiti ja isi niin kuin aina ennenkin ja molemmat tykkää heistä yhtä paljon kuin aina ennenkin, mutta koska tämä on nyt tämmöinen aikuisten juttu, niin aikuiset on päättäneet erota, eikä se ero johdu pojista vaan aikuisista ihan ittestään.

neuvolasta saat hyvää informaatiota ja tukea asiasta myös, siis miten minkäkin ikäisille lapsille on asia mitenkin paras selittää

Mut toivottavasti joku vaikka huomenissa vastais vielä lisää. Jos vaikka joku löytyis, joka joutunu saman eteen ja olisi jotain vinkkejä antaa, niin olisin kovin kiitollinen. Tietenkin tärkein neuvo on tuo härkää sarvista...

Ap

Lapsille kertominen onkin kauheinto koko erossa... Mä etsin silloin aikanaan netistä tietoa, tähän alle kopioin yhden artikkelin aiheesta (on kyllä englanniksi, mutta toivottavasti auttaa).



Me valmistauduttiin tähän lapsille kertomiseen aika paljon, kirjoitimme asiat oikein paperille... rakenne oli suunnillen näin:



- ensin kerroimme että joskus aikuisille ihmisille käy niin että tunteet muuttuvat ja että aikuiset eivät enää haluakaan asua yhdessä niinkuin ennen (tähän kohtaan kävimme vähän läpi tuttuja lähipiirissä, jotka olivat eronneet)

- sitten kerroimme että me olemme päättäneet erota

- miksi olemme päättäneet näin (mutta vain hyvin yleisellä tasolla - tyyliin että emme enää rakasta toisiamme niinkuin ennen, ei mitään yksityiskohtia...) ja että tämä ei ole mitenkään lapsista johtuva päätös eikä kenenkään syytä

- mitä ero tarkoittaa käytännössä (meillä lapset asuvat molempien luona vuoroviikoin)

- mikä pysyy samanlaisena ja mikä tulee muuttumaan (käytiin läpi sitä että isovanhemmat näkevät lapsia ihan niinkuin ennenkin jne, tarhassa käydään niinkuin ennenkin, mutta ny vain niin että joka toinen viikko äidin kanssa ja joka toinen viikko isän kanssa)

- mitä tapahtuu seuravaksi



Kannattaa puhua asioita moneen kertaan ja rauhallisesti ja yhdessä. Meidän 3-vuotias ei silloin oikein osannut käsitellä asiaa, 5-vuotias ymmärsi ihan hyvin. Lopulta koko juttu meni paljon helpommin kuin olin kuvitellut, kun oli sisältö mietitty niin oli itselläkin rauhallisempi olo (tosin minä taisin itkeä koko ajan kuitenkin).



Tsemppiä, koittakaa olla mahdollisimman rauhallisia ja muistakaa koko ajan kertoa että ero on aikuisten välinen asia eikä mitenkään lasten syytä (pienet lapset ilmeisesti helposti ajattelevat näin).



When to tell the children



Children may already have sensed that a change of atmosphere within the home. The news about a separation may not come as a surprise.

The words about mummy and daddy separating or divorcing will still be chilling and deeply upsetting. (As a parent, you must also be prepared for how difficult it will be to break the news).

It is important to pick a time that is best. There is no perfect time to do this, but remember these points:

- pick a time that is free from interruptions: you will need to deal with tears and spend a lot of time answering questions and comforting your child;

- it needs to be as good a time for the child as possible: do not break the news, for example, before an important exam, or after an illness, or after your child has had to cope with some other problem or difficulty within a relationship;

- children need some time to be free of problems: strike a balance between giving them enough time to come to terms with the news before going back to school, but give them some time at the beginning of a holiday to relax, free from problems;

- make sure that friends and family are available to support your child: your child may have somebody special already to talk to about problems, a grown-up friend, a school friend, an aunt or a grandparent;



because your child will want to know what is going to happen, it helps if you have sorted out some of the basics before you break the news: when are they going to see the other parent in the immediate future, are they going to have to change schools or move? Some of the questions may be impossible to answer - it may be too soon to have thought some of the big issues through, but try and anticipate some of the likely questions and have as many answers as you can ready.

The hardest stage for children is just after separation. Both parents will need to give a lot of support at this time. If the emotional difficulties of the parents prevent discussing things sensibly about the children, consider mediation. See Mediation Services.

Mediation can provide somewhere that is neutral to talk about these problems - away from the home and with the expertise of the mediators to help the discussions move forward.



How to tell the children



Children of all ages need to be told slowly and repeatedly what is happening.

Telling children will not be a one-off discussion. They will need to be told again and again.

They need to be told in ways that are appropriate to their age - in ways that they can understand.

- a very young child cannot take in much detail

older children, say between 6-11, need more detail and more practical explanations as to what is happening

- adolescent children will need the fullest explanation, so that they have an understanding of what is happening on an emotional level



If it is possible, tell the children together what is going to happen. How you tell the children is as important almost as what you tell them. If your child can see both parents breaking the news, and giving an explanation which is an agreed one, then it may be possible to avoid some of the anxieties: the explanation will not be undermined by concerns about whether the other parent shares that explanation.



What to tell the children



Here are some guidelines for some of the basic things to tell your child:

what are the immediate practical changes and what is being done about it? Children need to know what is happening within their lives. Their immediate concerns need to be dealt with. For example, if one parent is moving out, where are they going to, and when and where will the child see that parent?

How much will change? Will the child be going to the same school, will they be still able to see their friends or do their usual activities? Give as much reassurance as you can that you are in control of these events and that the disruption is going to be as little as possible.

reassure them about the parent who is leaving. Children often worry about the parent who is not there, wondering where they are and if they are alright. Will they be able to stay and where will they be able to stay?

- reassure your child that it is okay to talk about the other parent and go on loving them. All children need to be reassured that both parents are going to re-enforce the child¿s relationship with the other parent. The child needs to hear this again and again. They need to be able to say that they miss the other parent without fear of causing offence.

the separation or divorce is not their fault. It is very common for children to blame themselves for their parents¿ difficulties. They need to be told that this is not the case.

- it is okay to be upset. You need to acknowledge to your child that this is a difficult time. Encourage your child to share his or her feelings.

it is okay to talk to other people about it. It is often helpful to encourage children to talk to other people, friends, members of the family, people at school.

- it is okay to ask questions. It is a deeply confusing time for children. They may be embarrassed to ask questions for fear of adding to the distress of their parents. You may not have all the answers, but they need as much clarity as possible.



Agree on what you' re going to say



It is best if you and your spouse can take the time to determine what you are going to say about your divorce before you talk with your children. Get your story straight so that you don' t contradict one another or argue while you are breaking the news to your kids. If you need help deciding what to say to your children, talk things over with your religious advisor or schedule an appointment with a mental health professional.



Unfortunately, some of you will not have cooperative spouses. That means that you and your soon-to-be-ex will probably have separate conversations with your children. Before you do, for your children' s sake, try to come to an agreement about exactly what you will tell them. If you don' t, you risk sending them conflicting messages about your divorce and its possible impact on them.



Tell them as a couple



If possible, you and your spouse should tell your children about your divorce together, even if it requires putting your animosity aside for a while. You will convey to them that, although your marriage may be ending, you can cooperate as their parents, and that they still have a family ¿ just a different kind of family ¿ and you will both remain actively involved in their lives.



Play fair with each other



You should both agree that when you talk with your children, neither of you will blame the other for your breakup or encourage your children to side with one of you against the other. Both behaviors are unfair to your children and can inflict irreparable emotional harm. When you criticize the other parent, your comments can backfire on you ¿ your children may side with the parent you have maligned, and not with you.



Be honest, realistic, and avoid emotion



Be honest with your children about why you are getting divorced, but remember to keep their ages in mind and avoid sharing the lurid details behind your split. Tell them as much as they need to know and no more. If you haven' t been able to hide the discord in your marriage, you may want to acknowledge what your children already know by saying something like, " We know that you' ve heard us fighting a lot, and here' s why. . . ."



Don' t hide the fact that life is going to be different for everyone in the family because of your divorce. Prepare your kids for some of the changes to come. Then reassure your children that your divorce has not and will not change your love for them and that you will continue to be involved in their lives. However, don' t promise them things you can' t deliver.



Be very clear with your children that your divorce has absolutely nothing to do with them. Otherwise, they may feel somehow responsible for the divorce and assume that if only they had behaved better or gotten higher grades you would not be ending your marriage.

Try not to get emotional when you tell your children about your divorce. Watching a parent cry or get very upset can be frightening for children. Don' t add to their anxiety with histrionics and overly dramatic behavior. You' re likely to make them more concerned about your emotions than their own. Consequently, they may not let you know exactly what they are feeling.



Ways you can help them absorb the news



If your children are having trouble coping with the news of your divorce, all they may need to turn their frowns into smiles is some cuddling and a little extra attention. But sometimes it' s not that simple. When your children need more than what you can give them, consider involving a school counselor, mental health professional, social worker, relative, or another adult who' s especially close to your children. Participating in a support group may also be helpful to older children.

Tell your children' s teachers, baby-sitters and other caregivers, the parents of their close friends, and any other adults they see regularly about your divorce plans. Your heads-up will help them to understand that any significant changes in your children' s behavior may be traced to your divorce. Ask these adults to keep you informed of any such changes.

Contact your state' s family law court, a family law attorney, mental health professional, or a social worker who works with children and families to find out if any public or private resources (such as classes, workshops, and support groups) are available in your area that can help your kids cope with your divorce. These same resources may also offer counseling for divorcing parents.

In some jurisdictions, divorcing parents are required to take parenting classes taught by mental health professionals. In these classes, they learn about children' s reactions to divorce, effective parent-child communication, and resources that can help parents and their children.

Watch your own behavior around your children

Monitor your own behavior around your children. What you choose to do (or don' t do, as the following list shows) can either help reassure them that things will be okay or can add to their anxiety about the future.

Don' t fight with your spouse when your children are around.

Don' t say negative things about your spouse to your children or to someone else within hearing distance of your children.

Don' t get overly emotional around your children about your divorce or your life after the divorce. You risk increasing their insecurity and fear about the future.

Don' t use your children as liaisons between you and your spouse.

Don' t interfere in your children' s relationship with your spouse by trying to manipulate them into thinking of you as the " good parent" and your spouse as the " bad parent."

Don' t pressure your kids to choose sides.

Avoid making dramatic changes in their daily routines. As much as possible, keep everything in their lives just as it was. Children generally don' t like change, and divorce is change enough.

Don' t attempt to assuage your guilt over how your divorce may affect them ¿ or try to get them to align with you solely and reject their other parent ¿ by giving them special gifts or privileges or by relaxing your discipline with them.

Avoid making your children your confidantes. Keep your adult worries and concerns to yourself or share them only with other adults.

Don' t look to your children for comforting. It should work the other way around.

Don' t expect your child to become " the little man" or " the little woman" of the house. Your kids are kids, not surrogate spouses.

Pienempi ei oikein ymmärtänyt eikä muista siitä mitään (ovat jo yli 10-vuotiaita). Mieleen on vain jäänyt että isommalla oli pitkään aika että ei päästänyt minua silmistään vaan jos menin vaikka vessaan, huusi aivan kamalasti. Jos jätin lapset autoon siksi aikaa että kävin pankkiautomaatilta nostamassa rahaa, poika huusi silmittömästi. Pelkäsi ilmeisesti että äitikin jättää :(

siinä on ohjeita erotilanteeseen ja muiden kokemuksia