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THE EIGHT I' D REALLY RATHER YOU DIDN' TS



1.

I' d Really Rather You Didn' t Act Like A Sanctimonious Holier-Than-Thou Ass When Describing My Noodly Goodness. If Some People Don' t Believe In Me, That' s Okay. Really, I' m Not That Vain. Besides, This Isn' t About Them So Don' t Change The Subject.

2.

I' d Really Rather You Didn' t Use My Existence As A Means To Oppress, Subjigate, Punish, Eviscerate, And/Or, You Know, Be Mean To Others. I Dont Require Sacrifices, And Purity Is For Drinking Water, Not People.

3.

I' d Really Rather You Didn' t Judge People For The Way They Look, Or How They Dress, Or The Way They Talk, Or, Well, Just Play Nice, Okay? Oh, And Get This Through You Thick Heads: Woman=Person, Man=Person. Samey-Samey. One is Not Better Than The Other, Unless We' re Talking About Fashion And I' m Sorry, But I Gave That To Women And Some Guys Who Know The Difference Between Teal And Fuchsia.

4.

I' d Really Rather You Didn' t Indulge In Conduct That Offends Yourself, Or Your Willing, Consenting Partner Of Legal Age AND Mental Maturity. As For Anyone Who Might Object, I Think The Expression Is Go F*** Yourself, Unless They Find That Offensive In Which Case They Can Turn Off The TV For Once And Go For A Walk For A Change.

5.

I' d Really Rather You Didn' t Challenge The Bigoted, Misogynist, Hateful Ideas Of Others On An Empty Stomach. Eat, Then Go After The B*******.

6.

I' d Really Rather You Didn' t Build MultiMillion-Dollar Churches/Temples/Mosques/ Shrines To My Noodly Goodness When The Money Could Be Better Spent (Take Your Pick): A. Ending Poverty B. Curing Diseases C. Living In Peace, Loving With Passion, And Lowering The Cost Of Cable. I Might Be A Complex Carbohydrate Omniscient Being, But I Enjoy The Simple Things In Life. I Ought To Know. I AM The Creator.

7.

I' d Really Rather You Didn' t Go around Telling People I Talk To you. You' re Not That Interesting. Get Over Yourself. And I Told You To Love Your Fellow Man, Can' t You Take A Hint?

8.

I' d Really Rather You Didn' t Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You If You Are Into, Um, Stuff That Uses Alot Of Leather/Lubrication/Las Vegas. If The Other Person Is Into It However (Pursuant To #4), Then Have At It, Take Pictures, And For The Love Of Mike, Wear A CONDOM! Honestly It' s A Piece Of Rubber, If I Didn' t Want It To Feel Good When You Did It I Would Have Added Spikes, Or Something.



In the name of His Noodly Goodness, RAmen.

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